deliriously happy

Because this place is getting a little too gloomy

2011-09-16T13:48:00.003+08:00

Faith sees the invisible,

Feels the intangible and

Achieves the impossible

2011-09-16T13:45:00.002+08:00

Nobody should ever assume that the other is obliged to endure unreasonable or illogical behaviour out of gratitude for kindness previously shown.

1 week to the dreaded exams

2011-09-13T20:34:00.002+08:00

Did the laundry today.

But apparently I can still be faulted for that. For a small thing like using the short poles to hang the clothes outside. (Even though all the long poles have been used) !@#$!%@$@#

I'm said to be lazy because of that. I obviously raise my voice in self-defence.

Even if the long poles were not all already used, so what? There's no big deal. Really, what is the issue? I simply do not understand.

And she dares to say that I wouldn't use that tone if I were talking to my mother-in-law.

Mother-in-law or not, if you are going to be so ridiculous and you dare to say this sort of rubbish to me, I will tell you to go bloody do the laundry yourself.

She ends off by telling me to ask him when he is going to marry me.

How can anyone live with a person like that?!

2011-09-01T21:05:00.004+08:00

Sick again, don't know what's wrong with my stupid immune system.

Very pissed off, have taken 2 days of MC already. That lingering cough from the previous illness in July was just started to get better, and now there's an irritating sorethroat and fever.

Don't really care if I don't have to worry about going back to work, and I have all the time in the world to rest. Just annoyed that I have to work tomorrow from Fri-Sunday for the stupid night shift nonsense. I'm never going to get well at this rate.

Very pissed off with work. I have to log my stupid duty hours which are mostly fake anyway, log my stupid cases, do my mcqs for stupid exam, and now, I even have to submit them to someone who will be making sure that i'm doing at least xx number of questions per week. Ridiculous.

To be fair, things are actually much better now. The calls are down to 3 max per month, and they are no longer full calls. I should be appreciating the extra time I have.

Sometimes, I don't know how to spend my time. With my family? They will just drive me mad. My mum just tried to ask me to eat yoghurt that is 1 day past its expiry date. I don't mind if i'm not already sick and I don't have to work for the next 3 days in a row. She has to say some sarcastic shit like im kiasee etcetc. and she/my dad will eat it. I will be so pissed off if I eat it and bloody get diarrhoea. I will be in absolute shit if I can't find anybody to do my night shift x 3 nights, which I will likely not be able to do so since it is a wonderful lovely weekend that nobody will really want to spend in the hospital, working.

Friends are good, but what I really yearn for is a warm family and home to return to everyday

Just Because

2011-07-26T21:57:00.005+08:00

I feel like writing today.

Lately, it is this tune that has me captivated.

Strike up the band let it play
Love songs to haunt me and I will stay
But when it comes to a waltz
Both words and music will ring false

For you waltzed in and spun my world
Around in dizzy dance I swirled
But suddenly you waltzed away from me

Those violins, they must go
So no careless hand with a bow
They play on the strings of my heart
And make me remember how lovers part

How you waltzed in and spun my world
Around in dizzy dance I swirled
But suddenly you waltzed away from me

Strike up the band let it play
Whatever it chooses and I will say
Play me a waltz if you will
I'll sit here and listen,

Waiting until

My love returns to take my world
And spin it round in dizzy swirl
Where girl loves boy and boy loves girl
And feet don't touch the ground

I thought of posting because I need some place to vent my frustrations.

I don't need to tell anybody about it, and I don't need any advice. If I did, I would have called somebody.

I just need to take it out on this keyboard, better than taking it out on the pot that may crack on the stove, or the door whose glass panels may shatter.

My reaction from tomorrow should no longer be of anger or irritation. It shall instead be that of resignation. If this is the way things are meant to be, perhaps that will be more appropriate.

I have learnt that without expectation, there is no anger or sense of unfairness. Instead, I must accept things as they are, and continue as best as I can.

The beauty of a woman

2009-04-16T15:38:00.000+08:00

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman Is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman
With passing years — only grows

the answer

2009-04-10T15:02:00.000+08:00

I believe you are the answer to
every tear I've cried
I believe that you are with me
My rising and my light
Give me strength when I am weary
Give me hope when I can't see
Through the crosses I must carry
Lord, bind my heart to thee
That when all my days are over
and all my chores are done
I may see your risen Glory
Forever where you are.

Little Ms. Sad writes an ode

2009-03-21T16:57:00.010+08:00

A walk through the park
My happiness and folly
In the sky like a lark
Feeling the shower of milk and honey
Hear the notes tinkling
Cherish the swirl, the spin, giustezza
A cuddly bean to brighten the day
A warm, yellow stalk in the cold morning
Wood-fired pizzas
Pink, blue, no, greenwood you say?

For you, a thousand times over-
joyed, over you
no more

2009-03-08T01:57:00.002+08:00

hello flowers, thank you for being my friends. I really love hanging out with you all and I'm glad for our friendship <3

Missed you lorac! If only you could have been there. Sorry the reception was so poor and I couldn't hear anything :( Pls meet up soon!!

It's a great start to the Electives. Reposting wasn't counted cos it was a reposting..Stressful and crazy but I learnt so much. Looking forward to weeks of ENT, gs and China :)

I want to go to Gramophone to buy $5 CDs. The classical ones are a steal, especially since it's hard to find free downloads online.

I'm so tired, and so happy. I want to continue believing in my fairytale ending, because it will come true. Just give me a wakeup call when I'm 28!

2009-02-10T20:47:00.004+08:00

In this re-posting, there is a greater sense of urgency to see as many patients as possible, and come up with templates for presentation of our cases. No longer are we allowed the luxury of fumbling about with examination techniques. Instead, the focus is now on the way we carry ourselves, and the show we put up as students being examined. Today, I found myself flitting from ward to ward, examining my 'short cases' and ticking them off my list happily. I had to work doubly hard since I missed sch from my bout of flu.

horrors! My patients had become mere walking signs for me. The guy with the huge spleen and lymph nodes; another who had bilateral pneumonia; the auntie who had a pleural effusion likely 2ndary to a malignancy; the uncle with amazing shifting dullness (that even I could elicit) from liver cirrhosis.

Such a fine line exists between seeing enough 'cases' to gain experience, and yet spending time with each patient such that I am not merely 'objectifying' them. This isn't my first such post, and I'm pretty sure it won't be my last.

I am afraid to end up like some of them. There's a whole ward of people who remain hospitalised simply because their family wants them no more. They're waiting for a home to accept them, just somebody, anybody, and then what, I often wonder.

I can understand why some would choose to end their lives in the face of such a situation. What is the point, really? So I can treat your myocardial infarct, or uti, or pneumonia. After which, it's back to the home where you came from. If you are so-called ADL-dependent, you depend on everyone around you for just about everything. They bathe you, feed you, and even turn you around from time to time just so that you won't develop bedsores. At this a stage, one's mental capacity has usually decreased exponentially.

Such existence really scares me. It is bare minimum existence to its maximum. Perhaps he is more aware of his surroundings than he looks. Or maybe not. Anyhow, he has fleeting moments of consciousness, where he remembers yet another medical student requesting for permission to examine him, or perhaps, he remembers another who has shown him some care, compassion and respect.

2009-01-21T12:23:00.002+08:00

It doesn't make sense to grin and bear with it anymore.

I hate being being accused of doing something I didn't. This isn't the first time you're doing that. I really hate it. So I shouted back, loudly and angrily. And you scolded me for being so rude. Well, you know what? I hate myself too. And I hate you for turning me into this rude, impatient, bitter, unpleasant person that I never was. You claim that it's a small matter and didn't warrant my outburst. Idiot. You obviously don't know what it feels like to be maligned because none of us do that to you.

It upset me so much when you were depressed. I prayed and wished then that you would go back to your normal self. That was how much it hurt to see you depressed and half-crazed at times. At that time, it seemed like a better option. Now, maybe the previous option would have been better. Better than you being you and driving everybody in the house mad. Either way, you make me unhappy.

I'm so afraid of having to care for you in future. Unreasonable or depressed, I hate both sides of you. It is as bad as it sounds, and I feel so ******* sorry for myself.

So we went to lunch and I was prepared to forget all about that matter. But no, you had to bring up the issue of the epilator YET AGAIN and make all kinds of proclamations about the evil it would bring, and how it would turn me into a gorilla and how I'm not satisfied with what I have. If you had tried listening to my countless attempts at explaining things to you, you wouldn't be trying to sound like such an authority about epilators. So I stormed off on the way to lunch. I would rather eat by myself than have such an irritating person for company.

If you can't behave properly and be a more enjoyable person to be with, why should I always have to bear with this Shit Nonsense Crap. I don't. And I don't want to anymore.

turning 23...

2009-01-21T00:38:00.002+08:00

Sounds old! :P But not really either, I suppose.

I was very touched this year by friends who made it a special birthday. The meddies who celebrated with me after the dreaded patho..the pple who dated me out to shop for my present..my pedicure surprise..a super huge piglet..meeting one-half of my favourite couple..ending off with dinner and lovely company over the weekend.

Thanks for the effort, for making it a not-lonely birthday. When I was young, birthdays were occasions to look forward to because of the presents. This year, it's a reminder for me to count my blessings. The rainbow has always been there, hiding behind the beeeeg cloud.

And just because I obviously can't quite forget.

All the world is a stage
And everyone has their part
But how was I to know which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
You'd break, you'd break, you'd break
You'd break my heart

I've always been in love with you
I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted
Why, oh, why
The show is over
Say good-bye

I just love to be my own wet blanket sometimes.

2009-01-04T21:48:00.003+08:00

What better way to start the year than by slacking off on new year's day? And having a revision lecture the day after?? Wonderful.

I've never felt worse studying than now! urgh! No mood at all with christmas new year and all the sales on.

Resolutions are so cliche but i want a few goals for myself:

1. Keep healthy
- Jog at least once a week. It actually feels good exercising.
- Do 30 sit ups every night. My flab is showing.
2. Finances
- Spend only cash that I have. No withdrawing or visa anymore.
3. School
- Study at least 2 hours everyday. Sounds alright but it's so damn hard after a long day at clinics.
4. God
- Read 1 chapter everyday. I'm moving my bible from my table to my bed.
5. Friends
- Be the friend that I want to have. Let pple know they matter. Call more, sms more, email more, meet up more. I foresee that this will be the hardest of all. Not because I don't care, but we all have our own lives.
6. Family
- We'll see how this goes.
7. Sth to accomplish for the year.
- Jazz piano. Get a good book and start practising :)

Back to the books. I can do this!
New song for the new year, no more feeling bitter or sad.
I'm starting with the small things.

I am counting...

2008-12-31T00:03:00.000+08:00

12 days down to the big one!

2008-12-28T01:18:00.002+08:00

I've not felt so happy in a long while, thank you for the great company. And of course, the stars. They were so lovely tonight. It reminded me to blog, since this is my very own dustysky :) I saw orion's belt! When I least expected to.

Maybe today, I can say that I hate you nay ezs gnehc namwen and truly leave all this hate where it belongs. Right here in my blog, out of my heart and mind, before it consumes me. How could anyone ever hate and like at the same time, really.

it's christmas

2008-12-24T13:18:00.002+08:00

I'm resigned to the fact that I can't change my parents, and my parents can't change. Last night, it was brought up that I should be more sensible, considerate and live for them. Post exams in Jan, I'm not allowed to climb Kinabalu, nor go to the kelong with my friends.

Why can't you be more normal? When I was your age I would never ask my mum if I could do all these dangerous things. It's the monsoon, do you know how dangerous the kelong is? Don't stress me with all these things.

It wasn't too long ago that I was forbidden from going diving, and I almost didn't get to go for the mission trip in June. In june, my friends told me that I needed to think about it properly and consider why I should or should not go. Because such an instance was bound to come up again. I didn't know how to think, or what to think. Then the diving trip came. And now this. It's not just these few things. It's been like that my whole life. After everything, I've arrived at a few aspects I should probably consider in making certain decisions.

1. My parents are concerned about me, I know that.
2. Do I really have to go for this? Will it make me so infinitely upset if I don't?
3. Is the point that they are making valid? Is there truly reason for them to object?
4. Do I expect them to pay for something they don't want me to do?
5. When is it reasonable for me to disobey them?
6. Is it reasonable for them to expect me to always live my life in consideration for their feelings?
7. When is it the right time for me to do what I want, when I want to? Is it a certain age that would give me the right for self-declared liberation, or is it a time of financial independence, or is it when I am married, or is it when they are no longer around to tell me what I can or cannot do?

And yet, these don't help me much.

I do not like to quarrel; it makes me tired and it makes everybody unhappy. I will say sorry in any situation, even if it isn't my fault. I just do not desire to fight. That applies in every situation in my daily life. But there are those moments when I really feel the need speak my mind, and last night was just one of them. I gave up halfway, because I simply feel resigned. I can't do what I want to. Even when i'm 30 and still want to go diving, I won't be able to because my parents say no. When I'm bloody 30 I tell you! THIRTY. THIRTY.

It's been said that we can't offer what we do not have. I can't love you because I don't feel loved. You might love me, but it doesn't show. Providing me with my needs is great, but that's not only what I need. I want to be able to talk to you, tell you what I think, have my own space, and know that you can respect what I'm telling you. You don't have to agree with what I say, you just need to listen and understand and tell me what you think about it.

It isn't about you refusing to let me do certain things. The basic aspect of communication is sorely lacking, and that really upsets me.

I'm sorry, but right now, I can only fulfill my basic obligations as a daughter. That's just the way I see things now. I will fulfill my duties, but no more. I cannot be loving, not only because I can't, but also because I do not wish to.

2008-11-16T18:14:00.000+08:00

lub,dub. lub,dub. lub,dub. lub.

2008-10-05T23:19:00.001+08:00

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

2008-10-04T23:57:00.007+08:00

I am torn between looking at my osce book and thinking up post exam plans!

Currently, I am excited about the bintan trip, happy about my 2 books borrowed, looking forward to making rosti, and baking cupcakes. Can't wait to start on Toto-chan and The Christmas Tree. I was attracted by the really nice cover of the latter.

"I got great reviews on amazon too" :)

I'm holding on tightly to the hand of happiness today. It seems to have been rather elusive. Lately, a state of non-sadness qualifies as being happy.

2008-10-02T21:54:00.002+08:00

So he said that it isn't true. But it doesn't change the fact that things are the way they are now.
Everyday, my heart shatters, over and over again. And then I wonder how nich is doing, and know that what I'm feeling is just so wrong.

No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you

2008-09-21T22:26:00.003+08:00

After weeks of feeling down, I've come to realise that you have the eq of a double cheesburger. Possibly and probably not, but I think faking it is worse.

Him: "How come you haven't been talking to me?"
Me: "It's hard to.. seeing you everyday is painful"
H: Really? Is it my face?
M: No.
H: Shucks it must be my tummy then. How? How to get rid of it?
M: Stop it, you're making me sad.
H: You should eat a double cheeseburger, it works.
M: Really? How come it doesn't seem to work for me?
H: You need to eat one everyday.
M: No it doesn't, I've tried.
H: Why, what did I do?
M: What did you do? How can you even ask me that?

At this moment, I can't help but tear. He pats me on my back but all I want to do is shrug it away and scream don't touch me. But I don't. Because sher appears at the door faraway. And I regret tearing and looking so weak and pathetic. So I rush to the toilet and pretend that I actually needed it.

And so the double cheeseburger has found his cheese. It really hurts when the guys make references to her. I don't want to hear about it anymore, but I have to. Because I eat every single lunch with them, and I spend almost every single hour in the hospital with them. ****. I just want to go home and cry, and not pretend like I'm happy. I really want to forget you.

From tomorrow, there is to be no more memories of sgh e-med, kite-runner, jogging, juno, binjai park, salsa, jazz piano, greenwd av, reverse bungee, west coast macs, the s. ridges, and flowers at the airport.

Be With Me

2008-08-25T21:18:00.002+08:00

Without your love today
An empty day, so far away
Without your kiss today
What can I say, it's not ok

Could I see you again
Be close to you, be in your arms
I miss your love so much
So be with me, all my life

It's only fair to say
That I'm in love
So much in love

You mean the world to me
So be with me, stay with me

I pressed the STOP button today. But it wasn't working. The player is tired, the music cranky. The button better work tmr. Sigh.

2008-08-20T23:19:00.002+08:00

I thought that nothing more would hurt but tonight, in a space of 10min, I felt like my heart had descended to new heights. I just want to sleep now.

2008-08-19T23:54:00.001+08:00

Why don't we take a little piece of summer sky hanging on a tree?
For that's a way to start to make a pretty world for you and for me
And for the sun we'll find a lemon bright balloon
You can hold the string
Oh, can't you see this little world of ours will be the prettiest thing

We can gather rain enough from a stream to hold the happy faces
If you want a breeze, I'll blow you a kiss for two
Take me in your arms and our little world will be the place of places
Nothing else to make but, breakfast and love

We'll hang a little sign that just says Paradise, Population two
I know together we can make a pretty world for me and for you, for you
That's what I'm longing to do, to do
To make a world with you

Just thot that this is a lovely song and I'd share it. Still feeling so heavy, I want to snap out of this soon.

2008-08-06T22:25:00.001+08:00

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

and the seconds turned to minutes, the minutes into hours, and the hours into days.

2008-08-05T20:35:00.003+08:00

After getting back tog last week, I think this is really goodbye. It was a bittersweet feeling.. meeting this saturday to teach him how to cycle and go to his campus. I'm maxing out...If anymore stuff happens the drawer is going to overflow and there will be no more compartmentalising.

I'm so tired.

2008-07-30T23:31:00.002+08:00

crying bucketfuls will give you headache, so please don't try.

Today was out of this world. I broke up with n last night and awoke to find out that my friend has passed away. I don't know if it was the fucking stress of med sch/rships/family/money/xxx but I do remember the same sick 'are you kidding' kind of feeling when it happened to my ogl in jc. It was also today that he told me that he forgives me for everything, forgives me for liking another, and tells me to forget everything and leave behind my guilt. He will even go back to church, not just for me but as a start to sth he shld have done long ago. All he wants is for me to promise that i'll try to stop liking the other him.

I don't deserve any of this kindness. He even said that I'm god's gift to him. I think I'm a demon in disguise.

And bo, I will miss you. Much.

2008-07-27T11:54:00.002+08:00

I caught my very first b.u.t.s last nite. That has sth to do with ballet and a starry night. Remember how they used to make announcements about ticket sales in sec sch but I never bought one. It was nice, the whole idea is. a casual picnic, dance and friends. Want to go watch the nutcracker in dec!

My butt is sore from cycling. I dun like cycling for 2 hrs. The next time we do, I should bring along butt cushions.

I'm reading about photosynthesis and the calvin cycle. I'm starting to doubt my ability to teach my kid. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea afterall! :P

Patho has been a packed week of lectures and meeting n. we went out almost everyday. S thinks that i need to make up my mind quickly before i regress into living in my own land again. I feel so guilty looking at him, knowing that I'm keeping sth from him.

2008-07-15T22:06:00.002+08:00

the days have been agonising.. I'm not even hoping for you to talk to me anymore. Even a simple hi or a smile will do. Because right now, there's absolutely nth. ZERO.

I am so not looking forward to spending the entire day in ot with you. It could be better than I think though. I guess. You probably will not even bother to small talk with me. And we can just watch the operations in dead silence. I refuse to cry over you anymore. It hurts like mad giving one-word answers, knowing that your questions are asked out of absolute necessity. And it also hurts like mad now that you're so cold.

And nic. I've been talking to sher about him many times now. I've never felt like such a rotten person in my entire life.

2008-07-10T20:56:00.003+08:00

I really lost it today.
I don't understand. If you aren't angry, and you really mean for us to be friends, why do you continue being so unfriendly? The apology on Monday just doesn't seem to be. I thought that things would get better after that, but apparently not.

Can I please get eaten by a shark so that I don't have to feel so upset again?

And there is still my unresolved issue with ni. talking to sher today made me feel more certain about what i want, and what i need to do. I just wish i could be more certain, and that i knew how.

2008-07-08T22:11:00.004+08:00

don't know how much longer i can hold out! I'm close to bursting.
haha, sigh. that just sounds like a very full bladder.
For the first time ever, I wish that i didn't have to see you everyday.

2008-07-03T11:32:00.001+08:00

right now, I really resent all this, I resent you.

2008-06-29T23:56:00.002+08:00

Feel abit better now, a little more ready to face you again and put up my brave front. Although I know that all my courage will just melt away when I see you tmr.

*cross fingers*

2008-06-25T23:27:00.003+08:00

today, I bought a watch. But this time, it isn't for myself. Time to share, care and be a care bear. (i scratched his).

today, I felt sad again. But I think I'm getting used to it.

today, I deleted a few msgs of his. Hey, I'm trying.

today, I saw carol's msg and felt the same warmth i felt waking up to it.

today, I practised the piano after my screwed up lesson last week.

today, I cringed at the nonsense I was churning out at the piano.

today, I'm writing like a 5 year-old.

today, I also felt lousy not being able to do the scopes in clinics. But tmr, I shall try harder :)

2008-06-23T23:07:00.003+08:00

Things feel different, and it makes me sad. I act like i don't bother, but it really hurts. It really really really does.

I can't stop Loving you

2008-06-22T17:26:00.003+08:00

The all too familiar feeling of not being in control, of leaving my happiness in your hands, of spending day after day thinking.

So many times this week, I've been reminded to stayed focused and centred. That's why I started my prayer journal. I want to do so much more.

I can't stop loving you
I've made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
I can't stop wanting you
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday

Those happy hours that we once knew
Tho' long ago, they still make me blue
They say that time heals a broken heart
But time has stood still since we've been apart

2008-06-20T00:13:00.002+08:00

I'm so tired now I just want to sleep.

It's been a long day..I was looking forward to talking to you online since we didn't get to last night. All I'm getting now is some absolute shit about how you're not happy because I went out with my jc pple. Why you're not happy remains a mystery since you insist that it's mere irrationality.

You think it's a big problem that I'm doing things against your wishes, and if you don't like me to meet my jc class, and I do, then that's a big problem. You know what? I think your irrationality is an even bigger problem. What if it extends to all other aspects of my life? Am I being difficult if I choose not to respect your requests? Or are you being difficult?

Then there's the issue of substantial detriment. I hate arguing online. It's troublesome and inefficient. Like wth. So there's no substantial detriment even if I don't meet them. But so? I want to! I don't have to skip doing certain things just because you are being irrationally unreasonable.

Right now, if we were on the phone, I would bang it down and hang it up so that I wouldn't have to listen to anymore of this.

2008-06-18T01:10:00.002+08:00

I started a prayer journal recently.. It's now where I pen my deepest darkest secrets. I used to think that I could do it here under the anonymity but a blog is a blog. (silly me).

the one over at hk asked me a qn just now which made me terrified. It kept me on my toes for the entire 15 min and now I wonder if i can fall asleep.

2008-06-17T02:30:00.002+08:00

Today, I was reminded that I have so much to be thankful for. Please let me store that up properly and take it out again when I need it :)

2008-06-17T00:57:00.002+08:00

I felt very much better after talking. And I know why I'm attracted. There is something so sensible, mature and desirable in you that I see. But for now, it doesn't matter anymore. Not in a very long time. And perhaps, it never will.

2008-06-10T21:43:00.003+08:00

Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
I know for sure, all of my days are held in your hands
Crafted into your perfect plan
You gently call me into your presence
Guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes
I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, mould me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand

Isaan was a wonderful experience.

I was none too excited about coming home, back to the sometimes dreary place and the other guilty pleasures of life. I keep running, but I'm just running in circles.

So messed up!

2008-06-04T13:49:00.004+08:00

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And oft' is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd:
But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee

2008-06-02T14:45:00.002+08:00

I love how my post-exam weekend worked out.

After the ortho paper, it was off to catch the movie with 4 not very good-looking but fun women who own the most gorgeous heels but not-that-fantastic wardrobe of clothes. It was fun watching them, and just soaking in the eye candy and mindless chatter. That was followed by salsa and weekend retreat. And finally the last last prep session before flying off on thurs. So many thoughts in my mind over the retreat..some meant to be shared, others better kept in the recesses of my heart.

It was lovely catching up with the flowers :) hopefully we can plan another outing b4 one flies off soon!

2008-05-27T14:19:00.002+08:00

I feel like student life is plateauing.

Every once in awhile, I forget why I'm doing what I'm doing. The inertia is great, and the motivation, fleeting at best. I really want to do this right, but more often these days, I've been questioning my ability and personality to do so. Still on other days, with my heck-care attitude, I'm just tired of the wards and reading.

2008-05-27T01:28:00.002+08:00

Sorry, I know my posts have been quite depressing of late.

today wasn't too bad afterall :)
the doctor said I passed the test (how well I did is another issue) but yay anyway! went to take the reverse..the view and the speeds were great! Just disappointed that it was all over in 4min. It was so super impromptu, it might just have been a shopping trip. heh. that was followed by the vegas movie..predictable but it did have its funny moments.

I've not felt so relaxed in a very long while. Esp the night before the test, I was almost frantic. Felt rather unprepared..still abit sick.. clinical tests just scare me. It's back to studying for the mcq test this Fri.

Feel that I've got too many things on my hands now. Test on Friday, retreat over the weekend, cho's bday dinner on Sunday. SIGH sorry lu I know i'm supp to meet up and sab. Can we meet too on mon tues or wed? Or maybe I'll meet her myself. Flying off on Thurs, have yet to confirm the extension to explore bangkok. Plus have to go for piano make-up classes since i was sick last week and not gg this week to prep for the test. Oh ya! and buy cho's bday present.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just sliding down the slippery slope or going into a downward spiral. I was almost going to compare it to quicksand, until I realised that quicksand is it but in this case it isn't, 'cos it's me. I'm my quicksand, ouch.

2008-05-25T23:50:00.001+08:00

ortho clinical test tmr...doom...

2008-05-20T15:58:00.001+08:00

it's not nice feeling left behind :(

2008-05-15T23:24:00.003+08:00

Stuff happened in the family today and I'm as usual too tired to talk about it.
I am really envious, almost jealous of how some people have such happy families. I'm not talking about a perfect family..I just want what forms the basis of relationships. Communication, respect, tolerance. I do not understand how I can love someone who does not respect me, listen to what I have to say, and is simply so quarrelsome and unpleasant. I'm really reaching the end of my threshold which in all fairness is beyond what I ever thought possible. Frustration aside, I feel so shit sad that I am unable to love and am not loved. I wish there were a day when that wouldn't matter to me any longer. I always dream of starting my own family and think of how it will be cosy and loving and how it wouldn't be like this, but sometimes I'm so afraid that things will turn out the same.

2008-05-13T00:01:00.005+08:00

Osces were alright..Got the killer circuit with the profs who dislike us but think I'll pass it. Gotta focus now for the upcoming long/short cases and mcqs. 3 weeks to the hols! Can't wait. Caught ironman and the other boleyne girl over the past 3 days.. liked the latter better. Transformers was way better than ironman I think.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Thank u for a timely reminder for me to act sensibly, Friend from Sunday.

And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too, if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed, over loved, over me

2008-05-06T21:52:00.002+08:00

Had a good weekend :) hung out with lu at woodlands and we caught eternal sunshine of the spotless mind on her laptop. thanks for lugging it out dear! It was nice. Looking forward to seeing u again when sab's back.. And met up with jy who's back from the u.s too.

Getting a little nervous about the osces this sat. Not very smooth and prepared wrt physical examination and knowing that the tutors kinda dislike us doesn't help.

Was at ghim moh for lunch today. It really brings back the memories of jc days gone by. Today, 3 years later, I can't believe that I am actually, maybe, finally over you. The scar remains, but it no longer hurts.

2008-04-26T19:00:00.002+08:00

I signed up for jazz piano class!
Had my first lesson last week, really enjoyed it.
Have been practising hard..looking forward so much to the next class.

Wishing I were a pretty cloud

2008-04-16T21:31:00.003+08:00

As I've previously mentioned, I wasn't looking forward to this current posting. Having compulsory clinics till 6 just doesn't help anything; and I've come to discover that I can have really poor attitude when I'm tired. Just can't be bothered to do anything when I'm tired.

And, I also have problem communicating with patients. Inappropriate smiling, unprofessional translation, disorganized history taking. Maybe that's why I failed medicine. Yes, I did screw up the big spleen majorly, but maybe I screwed up my long case too. Afterall, a senior did once tell me that nobody fails medicine because of 1 screwed-up short case.

I'm really trying hard for this posting. I've been studying almost everyday. And I need to start behaving more 'rgs-rj'. (There's a running joke abt rgs-rj type girls among my cg-mates). I need to have more initiative, be more confident and and study smarter. Those, unfortunately, are such demanding attributes to acquire.

2008-04-12T13:25:00.001+08:00

La Derniere Valse

I wondered should I go, or should I stay
The band had only one more song to play
And then I saw you out the corner of my eye
A little girl alone and so shy

I had the last waltz with you
Two lonely people together
I fell in love with you
The last waltz should last forever

But the love we had was goin' strong
Through the good and bad we'd get along
And then the flame of love died in your eye
My heart was broke in two when you said goodbye

I had the last waltz with you
Two lonely people together
I fell in love with you
The last waltz should last forever
It's all over now
Nothing left to say
Just my tears and the orchestra playing

for singing along

2008-04-08T21:09:00.003+08:00

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

One of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

2008-04-07T22:42:00.003+08:00

Hee sorry! realised I forgot to save changes to my template.
Please help me out with Song Number 9, Derniere Valse :) if possible!
Dun think si reads this so..hehe..it's either carol or ded pls!

Heh, carol u called during my first few days of psych. I'm doing ortho now..so it's been about a month. I read abt ur ski adventures! Haha, well, guys will be guys :P So ever eager to be macho. hahaha. Glad that you made it in the end, must have been really fun :)

Ded! dun make the kids cry! And btw I asked my parents..they kind of said yes. To quote my mum, "ayah, do whatever you want lah". haha. Erm, I asked very nicely. But I guess mum was exasperated with my holiday plans thus far. This time, it involves gg for a mission trip with Ded's church. I went to read up about Isan. It's one of the poorest regions in Thailand. Honestly, I started to have 2nd thoughts about it as I had a nice, warm bath.......clean toilets, comfy bed...........All these things that I take for granted. Shucks, I'm sure I will benefit more from this than the pple over there will. Hope it goes through.

2008-04-06T17:06:00.004+08:00

So psych med has come and gone. Rather quickly too.

Ortho's up next! My least favourite posting..Almost wanted to say much-hated. Oh well. Back to Year 1 stuff of blood vessels, nerves, bones and muscles.

Thank you, for my favourite Mr. Strong book

Will my dear friend who knows French please tell me the translation of Song number 9? I know that it means The Last Waltz but that's about it. Hee.

2008-03-30T22:19:00.002+08:00

Sorry carol and lu..in my sheer excitement, I typed the wrong year!
Sorry!! It's May '09!

But i can and will still go visit u lu! :)

2008-03-29T17:29:00.004+08:00

quarrelled with mum and dad over going diving in June. That they said no isn't an unexpected outcome but I was more disappointed by the way everything went, rather than the outcome itself. It always happens the same way. Need I say more?

But sad things aside, the prof finally replied me. I should be all set to go to China in May'08. Yippppppeeeeeeeeeee. So glad that she has friends there. I can even meet lu there cos i'll be at beijing! :)

So for now, my short-term goal in life will be to pass ortho, paeds and o&g. Having to do another re-posting will mean passing up my chance to go to China.

2008-03-28T16:17:00.002+08:00

I'm confused.

waiting for 630 to come so I can go for salsa. We had a hypnosis session earlier where there was a 'mass hypnosis' thing. Kinda cool, dunno if i went into it totally or just fell asleep. heh.

I need to learn to be more sensible. Can somebody teach me please?

2008-03-23T03:06:00.005+08:00

The long weekend is coming to an end! :(

Psych is a really good posting to catch up on other activities. I'm starting to feel like a normal person. And because mum and dad were away, cho and i had the car to ourselves. I could get used to having my own car and driving everyday! If only. Haha.

Regret packing so many activities into the weekend. I'm currently rushing my write-up which is due on Monday. So tired. Haha, it felt like ecumenism day on good friday. A and i brought some protestant friends for mass, and I went for n's cg gathering in the evening. the afternoon was spent discussing our plans for exchange..and supper was dessert at yilin's place! She made very very yummy desserts. Poached pear, chocolate cake and cream puffs. I'm drooling just thinking of it. Today was spent at east coast. Too bad that it rained! Cycling in the rain made me cold and sticky. whine.

Mum and dad just came back. On one hand, I'm really happy that they're back. On the other, it feels kinda sian. I appreciate being left alone and not being nagged at. The past week, I could relax with a book and music, and bum around doing random things. There was no background noise, and no arguing over silly things. It started just 5min after they came home. Welcome back to reality!

P.s. Carol made my day by calling last wk! :) sigh, too bad that we only talked for a grand total of 3min before i had to go. Hope u had a good trip dear.

2008-03-15T00:01:00.003+08:00

I'm really very upset now. Some stuff happened and sth mum did just reminded me abt all those weird things that happened during her bout of illness last time. It's really very painful to see someone u love act like that. And the fact that I couldn't do anything about it at all just made it worse. It makes me cry. All those fucking stupid techniques and comforting shit we learn in cofm and psych med don't help at all. There's my mum accusing me of being an uncaring daughter out there in the hall, me being the stupid middle person, and coming back into the room hearing my sister bitch and bitch and bitch. Like shut up already. I know how hard it is too, for mum to be in one of her annoying moods. Sometimes, I want to just turn around and tell my sis to shut the fuck up but I know what the outcome will be. I'm too tired to start another fight.

2008-03-14T17:22:00.002+08:00

Results were out yest. I'm happy this year :) They're average but I'm happy cos I did better than last year.

Sometimes, I feel like I have everything and yet, I have nothing. There seems to be an unexplained feeling of emptiness and meaningless.

Today, we saw a boy formerly from the gifted stream and our brother sch who had sunk into depression because he couldn't keep up with the academic stresses of life. That, in addition to his expectations, parental pressure and the fact that everyone around him had gone on to our jc. He had done so poorly he didn't even make it to jc. And he wasn't the only poor kid.

Who in the world gave us these ideas that we have to do well academically so that we can...I don't know, get a good job and pay for the house,car,kids,nice handbag,etc. Doing well in sch seems to be such a necessity that once we fail to attain such standards, our self-esteem and how others view us (whether or not that matters is another issue) decrease exponentially.

Yes, education is important but it seems to be the ultimate goal for many. I cannot claim to understand his situation - my setbacks are nothing compared to his. I would never know what would have become of me should I have failed my O's or A's. There is such a delicate balance btwn educating, challenging and bringing out the best in our young, and driving them to sheer frustration and insanity.

2008-03-10T23:02:00.002+08:00

I was so angry with myself in the afternoon! In a moment of carelessness, I deleted all the msgs in my inbox. Never mind that they were taking up so much space that i kept having an 'inbox is full' msg. At that moment, it just felt like such a pity to have all the nice msgs I had painstakingly accumulated erased in all of a second! :S

But I did feel abit better 5min later. Afterall, it was getting annoying having to keep checking for unimpt stuff to delete. Getting rid of the clutter wasn't such a bad idea. I should start doing that for all the other aspects of my life. I really function best in a neat and tidy environment..That is just too much work though. Too many things, and too little discipline.

Met up with qing and lu over the weekend. It was for all of 2 hrs but it was good fun girly yet not totally brainless talk. (more clutter there).Thanks girls, I really seldom laugh like that anymore. And carol :) I will reply soon!!

Start of psychological Med posting today. Excited about what the next 4 weeks will bring. Rain disrupted my swimming plans. Pls dun rain tmr!

2008-03-02T23:45:00.002+08:00

Yay that the exams are over :)
super happy and relieved. Hope this feeling isn't short-lived..
the final viva list should be out by tmr. I'm really crossing my fingers.

This is a good time to start exercising regularly. Feel quite accomplished so far. Salsa on wed, cycling on thurs, and shopping on fri followed by salsa class. Heh, shopping is a form of exercise too! (ya, ya, watever).

Playing badminton tmr..I think i shall set my exercise routine as a twice weekly swim or jog. Beginning this week. And I have a booklist..Starting with Human Cargo : a journey among refugees, which I shall pick up at the lib tmr.

Excited about picking up new habits, looking to be non-lazy, more well-read, and fit.

2008-02-22T23:41:00.002+08:00

So cute! from f21. Ugh. but i dunno how to do those internet banking things. Low-techs are so disadvantaged! Can't order from the spree thing! (don't really even know how that works). She needs a posb internet thing. If i only have a uob one does that mean i can't transfer the money? Whine, somebody teach me! K, off to bed now!

2008-02-22T20:30:00.002+08:00

I'm alive!! :)
It's 3 days to our finals!
Feeling like a pretty cloud.
Heh.

2008-02-01T00:57:00.001+08:00

Was at cg today..That seems to be the only resolution I've been actively trying to keep up with. (hurhur). It was rather ironic..How I was sitting there trying to figure out a passage from the bible, when it was all about relying on god's strength. Kind of similar to what ded described in one of his posts..how we were trying to dissect the characters of Wit the moment we had just watched the video.. So anyway, there I was trying to figure out something, anything from all the words..and I realised how silly I was being. Totally cliche, but the moment it hit I stopped being a silly girl. And it worked.

I wished that I could do the same in my life..I don't know how to. But I'm trying!
I think i need to grow slowly and not expect too much..I have all these expectations despite not putting in much effort at all. Unjustified expectations.

The health project has come and gone, so glad everyone of us can finally focus on our finals now. 3 weeks!!

Hey carol, glad u're safe over there :) seems like u're having so much fun. (despite the cold cold). I speed-read a little towards the end (shucks) but did i read that u went to see the auroras?? I've heard nich mention that somewhere before but I had no idea what it was. So i wiki-ed it and there was such a technical explanation! It was too difficult for my rusty mind..So i wiki-ed Atom because I heard there was some change in its structure or sth (err shucks again I'm living in my own world)..and all those terms from physics and chem just came rushing back. wave-particle duality of matter, nuclear fusion/fission, binding energy, e=mc2........ugh. I felt so sad! Couldn't remember much of anything..Doesn't say much for my understanding of all these things in all of 2 years! Maybe I never really understood these things. :\

Studying, tutorial, mum's med apptment, salsa and shopping with qing tmr!
better go slp.
more abt the auroras over the weekend.

one of my rare cheery posts

2008-01-03T00:13:00.000+08:00

felt So relieved after patho!
made a list of things to do in between all the studying and i'm going to start on them tmr! There's still school everyday but the whole mood is lighter and more slack. Going for a bday dinner on friday and the medplay on sat.

Unlike previous years, I decided to make a few resolutions.

1. Go for cg more often
2. Be more proactive - in studying, household chores and meeting up with friends
3. Spend within my allowance; no digging into the reserves!

Don't really feel like I know what I'm doing with my life, it's just slipping by so quickly. All I have are snapshots to remind me of some activity I was at, or clothes to show for some shopping i did. Nothing really seems very meaningful in my life. I'm not making a difference.

Haha, that cheery tone couldn't last long :p

2007-12-30T23:43:00.001+08:00

By the way, in case you're wondering what a teratoma (mentioned in my reply to ded) is, it's some sick shit that develops in the ovaries. It gives rise to hair, or maybe even teeth in the ovaries. Gross.

2007-12-30T23:17:00.000+08:00

Hmm..it's hard to be happy when there's nth in life except studying and coming home to family. Studying in sch is quite fun sometimes..talking nonsense and having a study buddy. But that's only the rare, in-between moments of happiness. Coming home is supposed to be relaxing and warm and homely. I think I have a house, but I'm not too sure about the home bit. Sometimes, I wished for a different family. It sounds so terrible but nobody really understands how I feel living with someone like Mum (except cho). Nobody can understand. I'm really so pissed off sometimes and I'm so afraid I will not want to take care of my mum when she's old. I want to love my mum and tell her my secrets and spend the day out with her, but it's just impossible right now. And possibly forever. I don't want a mum whom I can't carry out any kind of conversation with, who gets impatient ever so easily and is always spoiling the mood. I need someone who can rationalise, think and behave appropriately. I don't know how to describe mum. Feelings can't always be put into words. Especially not with my limited vocabulary.

Anyway, it's 3 days to the patho exam. Last day of full day mugging in sch tmr. Looking forward to after it when I can move on with other aspects of my life, meet up with friends and do my cofm writeup.

2007-12-26T23:30:00.000+08:00

It wasn't totally bad.
Carolling and going for ded's church service was nice.
And so were the preparations for Christmas.
I'm just tired, stressed and sad that I can't have my holidays.
That people are going overseas or meeting up with friends or just relaxing at home. And I gotta study and study and still fail in the end.

It sounds so loserish. (haha, erps).

2007-12-26T23:17:00.000+08:00

I'm TERRIFIED of the patho test next week.
I CAN'T fail again.
It's just the sick feeling a test induces.

I know I've been failing many tests, and this last month has just sapped away the last bit of my confidence, if any is left. I'm so scared of going for another test. I was SUPER super shittily scared when I went for the e.med test last saturday.

I'M SO TIRED OF GOING FOR POSTINGS AND STUDYING FOR END OF POSTING TESTS PLUS STUDYING FOR C.As in between.

I HAVEN'T HAD A BREAK SINCE SURG POSTING SO CAN I PLEASE HAVE ONE SOON???
i'm being robbed of christmas and new year and everything. CAN I PLEASE GO OUT AND FUN AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT AN UPCOMING TEST?

I don't need a DAY off or the weekend off. I just want a whole week to myself.
There seems to be no end to ANYTHING. After the patho test is the cofm project, chinese new year and THE PROS. after the pros will be psych med and ortho. yay to the break in june.

JUNE??!!!!
I'm really going mad.

2007-12-21T00:47:00.001+08:00

So the mad rush to cover systemic patho in 2 weeks has started!! But somehow, i dun feel that miserable studying. Patho is actually interesting :) It's just that i failed the internal med test and more recently, the pharmaco c.a so poor me has taken a beating and i'm rather afraid of failing the next one.

On a happier note, i went to union sq for salsa with newman last nite! kinda exciting cos it was a last min decision. I could barely rem the basic steps he taught me while we were doing night shifts at sgh e.med, but i couldn't be bothered abt embarrassing myself last nite. heh. No familiar faces in sight so that was fine. can't wait to start classes in jan!

didn't get much studying done today. there was the christmas party. Gg to sch to mug tmr..Can't help feeling happy now that there's christmas coming up, despite the patho c.a looming ahead.

Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring
Soon it will be Christmas day

2007-12-03T17:11:00.001+08:00

The bad thing about papers in the afternoon is that I always slack off the day before. Like now! one day to the pharmaco paper and i took a nap, indulged in some me-and-my-piano time, and just basically have been crawling along the topics. Hope this is over so that I can start on e-med and patho soon!

Ambulance run last week was fun, can't wait for the next one this thursday night! It's so exciting, and the fact that it doesn't give me motion sickness just makes it better. Firsthand experience + nice paramedic = great learning experience. Qiantai did cpr last week! That was just days after our bcls course! (though we're supposedly certified in performing cpr after our first aid course in year 1). Unfortunately, the uncle didn't make it. This time, we stayed on to see them transfer him to auto cpr, attempt resus for almost an hour, before certifying him dead after a series of asystoles. It just really hits you when they stop the auto cpr and decide to stop trying. It's like, shit, this guy just collapsed while he was out there having a walk alone. And he just died, without saying goodbye. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. I wouldn't want to die like that.

E-med is an eye-opening experience; it shows the ambulance run and triage before patients are admitted, and it shows the end, if patients do not pull through. It completes my learning cycle, of seeing and talking to patients. Want to start reading up more!

For now, it's back to pharmaco. :/
Then it's catch-up-with-carol time after pharmaco :)

2007-11-25T16:42:00.001+08:00

My first night shift came along just after my previous post! heh. (But sorry lu, that I couldn't go look for carol's present with you). Time passes very quickly in a&e; it's almost like watching a movie, only better because it's live and real. Just did a 4pm-2am thing ytd, and i'm really enjoying it. My poor saturday was gone, but I'd probably have wasted it slacking around at home anyway. Our last tutor on the list is great! Maybe that's why they assigned us 4, becos at least half of those will turn out to be bad. haha.

Carol's bday party was a lovely ending to a stressful week. It was so much fun with the girls; and I've not felt so happy in a very long time. Being with you all again really brings back memories of us 5 years back, chatting and laughing and picking up from where we left off. Don't seem to have as much fun with friends in med, it's just different somehow. Carol's little cousins are so cute, the pinata was great fun. They were so infectious, I think i was almost as happy as all the kids when it finally broke and there was a huge downpour of sweets and chocolates! :)

2007-11-20T23:32:00.000+08:00

Realised that all my entries are sad/angry/whiney. Most anyway! I really like this song, and I thot I'd share it. Brings about so many thoughts, and im jus too tired/lazy to pen it all.

p.s It's from some crappy website. probably has funny bits of errors.

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this

When you've only got a 100 years to live.

2007-11-20T23:21:00.000+08:00

It's Very difficult to prioritise when Everything Needs To Be Done at about the same time. I'm going to be a mad woman this week and next. As usual, the Dean's Office (my absolute best friend) has scheduled a case conference 3 days before the pharmaco ca and 5 of us from sgh have to selected to do a presentation. I can't believe I'm so lucky! blah.

Can't wait to do night duty. Boo, one of my tutors is a sh*thead. He's almost like my previous tutor who was MIA the Entire posting. He's right there but he refuses to take us. Can irresponsible pple like that stop screwing up our postings????!!! please???!!!

In case I forget

2007-11-18T23:06:00.000+08:00

16Nov'07: Family Med. end of posting test
4Dec'07: Pharmaco test
15Dec'07: Emergency Med. eopt
2Jan'07: Patho test + cofm write-up

It was a good weekend after the fam. med test :) lust, caution on friday, shopping with cho on saturday and family time on sunday. I made dinner for them and it turned out bad (so disappointing) but at least i learnt how to use the oven. haha.

Emergency med is starting tmr! Pretty excited. Plus I get to go to the fire station on 2 nights! Plus I get to go to BISHAN fire station which is of walking distance from my house. Which is a pretty damn good change from travelling so much during fam med to jurong, sengkang and bedok. YAY!

It's too much trouble locking a blog which 8 friends know about and maybe 2 pple/mth stumble upon. heh.

2007-11-02T23:49:00.000+08:00

The following was written in an online student publication of my sch. Pls do not ever think that i wrote it even tho it's here... it's even more annoying than the most whiney of my posts.

The Medicine faculty

So, you think our future doctors are all serious and non-scandalous? You’re clearly mistaken.
The Medicine (Med) faculty has one of the highest rates of intra-faculty couple-hood. This is probably because of the sheer amount of time they spend together, peering over cadavers or mugging in their insanely quiet library - truly an alternative sense of romance. And yes, it helps that many of their events like their annual Dinner and Dance are also sponsored by the SDU (Social Development Unit). It smacks a little bit of inbreeding and given that these people are doctors, they should know that’s not the brightest idea in the world. However, given their tight schedules (with a different timetable each week), it’s a great rarity that anyone even ventures outside the faculty.

Whoever wrote that stuff needs to rid him/herself of such immature and insensitive thinking. Seriously, that paragraph of words strung together is totally uninformative, unimaginative and unoriginal. I believe students of other facs are more interested in reading about a piece of truth, rather than the reproduction of bits of stereotypical labels of med students, peppered with some effort at sarcastic humour in between. (or are they not?) Surely people of other faculties have better things to do than attack medical students in a sch publication? (or do they not?).

I'm pretty sure any non-med person would be annoyed by my intentional insinuations that all non-med pple are shallow and superficial; well, that article was ten times worse.

And just to get the facts straight, I believe that dnd and medicamp are the only events that sdu sponsors. The moron can't even gather accurate information for his article, and he thinks and writes like one. Poor him.

P.S i highly doubt the ability of the author to define the word inbreeding. But of course, that could be yet another clever attempt at humour. And my non-med friends, pls dun be offended :p

2007-09-30T14:00:00.000+08:00

It's a lazy sunday :)
This weekend was supposed to be dedicated to studying, seeing how i kept it absolutely free. But evil thoughts invaded my mind and I'm absolutely hooked on this serial called Love Bond. It's currently showing on channel U and i'm probably slower than that! But it's really great not having to sit thru commercials and waste an entire hour per episode. hurhur this reminds me of the time i was so crazy abt that silly frog prince show. *blush*

Anyway, this weekend was supposed to be study-weekend becos e end of posting test is coming up soon! mcqs in 2 weeks, long/short cases in 3 weeks!

I'm quite psyched up about last minute preparations and making the final dash towards the end. I've been feeling quite tired walking around the wards. There's this indescribable feeling of doom and fatigue that washes over me as I walk around the wards, looking at rows of bed filled with patients who look so ill. Somehow, the patients in the surgical wards didn't look as bad. For an instant, it's as though I were consumed by their sadness and hardships. And in the next, I'm back to my un-feeling self who goes around clerking and looking at patients for the signs they might have.

Everyday, we learn a new lesson. Not merely in the areas of clinical practice, but also how to care for our patients. Last week, it was to treat every patient as we would our father, mother, brother or sister. That's a deceptively simple lesson in life. I'm only into my 3rd/4th month of official postings..and I've already done so many things contrary to such good advice. Haiz, I'm sorry for all the times I tried to take blood or set plugs on u, or got irritated becos u were so incomprehensible.

It's been a week of weird lecturers - from the analysis of shit to the constant bragging of past achievements, boring lectures, and good tutorials. Not forgetting the little birthday parties in between, and not falling sick!, I think i've learnt alot indeed.

P.S forgot to msg u carol, hope ur exam on saturday went well :)

2007-09-16T23:38:00.000+08:00

thank you Lord, for answering my prayer.
It's been a really tiring day.
Time to go sleep.

2007-09-16T15:15:00.000+08:00

As mentioned previously, my family is not quite the model one.
This morning, cho had a terrible argument with them..it was like The Argument of the century. After they dropped us off at home, cho said she was moving out. I tried to talk her out of it, but I could tell that she was really going mad. I understand what she was feeling, because i've felt like that a million times. Obviously, I couldn't do anything but sit on the fence, very much like the previous i-have-a-gf issue. It's better not to isolate her rite? She packed up her essentials, and left.

Now, mum and dad are picking me up in ten min. And I'm supposed to tell them that she's left. At first, it didn't really matter because I'll see her around in sch anyway. But I wonder what they will say.

Dear lord, I pray that dad doesn't get a heart attack, especially not when I've yet to master the art of CPR. And please, don't let mum fall into a depression attack. Because that ain't funny at all. And please let cho come home.

2007-09-02T22:18:00.000+08:00

that dinner at da paulo was quite a surprise. it was supposed to be some place near ms teh's house..and as we were checking out the map he suggested rochester park. it was nice, while it lasted. till he decided to tell me he disliked rj cos he didn't make many friends there. it was like a slap to my face; it was good as telling me he disliked us. And i resent that. I resent the fact that at that moment you made me feel like i was the smallest bug on the face of the earth; I was upset that you, after so many years, were still able to influence my emotions so easily. I had never felt so insecure in a very long time.

It was just hurtful to know that you feel so differently about us, as though you felt that we were a mistake. This especially since there is still that part of me who kept everything we ever shared, displays the blue roses on my desk, and secretly wishes for sth that could never be.

2007-09-01T02:13:00.000+08:00

he's been at sgh the past week for an attachment.
i don't know what's wrong with me..i still can't do it. i thought that when he left a year ago, i'd be alright by the time he came back for summer. met up with him and a few others to see ms teh's baby today, and i jus came home feeling upset. it's been an incredibly long time and i've not talked abt this for awhile.

i really do miss him, but each time i see him it feels like the distance has grown, emotionally and physically. i'm almost ashamed to say that there's always been a little wishful hoping in my heart that we would somehow be together in the end. The hope which has never died down, the hope which makes me wonder how i could be so unfair to nich. how i am such a selfish prick and such a horrible and throughly terrible person.

i feel so miserable. please let me get over it.

2007-08-29T22:35:00.000+08:00

immensely tired and stressed out! medicine posting is xxxx times worse than surg.
me, the sleepy grouch, officially declares a state of emergency of hardcore reading and less leisurely activities (things which 'waste time', technically defined as anything not involving studying).

2007-08-22T17:59:00.000+08:00

as it turns out, someone was hurt by what i did. it was absolutely unintentional and i'm glad the misunderstanding has been cleared up. He wrote me a poem (in Chinese!), with our names and friendship intertwined in the lines of words. Happy that i've gained a new friend, definitely not the hi-bye kind.

crumbled to the evil fever bug last nite, and i gave myself an off-day today. last nite, in btwn trying to fall asleep and deciding whether or not to go today, i was fretting about the hw i was supposed to present about the causes and management of pleural effusion. Now that i'm in a new group for this Medicine posting, i feel kinda lost. no more sher, no more 2 guys i was familiar with. It's quite tiring not having anyone to really talk to the whole time.

85 posts since my first, and i'm contemplating doing sth very evil indeed.

Happy birthday lu :)
have a wonderful surprise dinner with ghim.

it's midweek girls..2 days more to the weekend.
hang in there.

2007-08-04T14:32:00.000+08:00

Uh, in an awkward situation cos I think the person i'll be working with all the way till about november has strangely decided to keep asking me out for movies. With so many pple around me attached, I feel quite lonely sometimes cos everyone has someone to do every single thing with. I wouldn't have minded going out for the movies, but it's bad to lead pple on. He's a nice person to hang out with, and i would have if not becos of that.

My second write-up is due this monday and I'm not even halfway thru! Surgery posting is fast coming to an end which means my end-of-posting test will be in these 2 weeks. Hope i'll pass! meeting up with chris this thursday. Anyone else who is free is welcome to come along :)

Going to work on my write-up now..If all goes well and the ill-disciplined pig in me doesn't fall asleep I'll be on my way for a jog then a birthday party in the evening.

I love You, I need You.
Though my world may fall,
I'll never let You go.
My Savior, my closest friend,
I will worship You until the very end.

2007-08-01T22:37:00.000+08:00

I've come to realise that it's not healthy to conceal emotions too often. It's just a matter of time before things spill over and dirty the floor. It's tougher to clean up the mess rather than prevent it from occuring in the first place. So, I'm trying to change the way I deal with things, rather then let it all pile up and i'll become some crazy freak in the end. It's not being nice; it's being real. At other times, it's not being nice; it's being fake. Being nice and being fake are so hard to differentiate sometimes.

I've become more evil tempered of late. It makes me do and react to certain situations in a different way. I feel like i've become more confrontational..don't know if it's good or bad. I told this lady off on the train for letting her kids put their feet on the seats and kick the other passengers; and I told this dumb bimbo off at le senza for hogging the fitting room while she went out to get another babydoll in her size and even had the cheek to check out herself in front of the mirror outside for a frigging long time. All this while she had already gone in, tried on her dumb babydoll..and decided to be an idiot and chope the room in the most unglam of ways.

uh, i'm too tired to type anymore. i really like what i'm doing, but i'm so afraid of getting desensitized. Before i came in, i thought it was bad to call patients by their bed numbers and disease. Just today, we were telling each other 'eh, let's go clerk the breast'. It was only after it was said that we realised how bad it sounded. Each 'exciting' night call we hope for only means somebody else's misery. Last night, someone who was moved out of the icu because of a shortage of beds passed on; another who was only 35 succumbed to her cancer as well. It actually took all that to remind me that I'm not preparing jus for the routine chores and daily motions. Guess i'm jus all quite worn out from all the long hours to keep my ideals alive.

2007-07-13T12:23:00.000+08:00

I'm home! fell sick so i decided against going to cgh.

of late, I've become very resigned to whatever comes my way..It's not like i have a choice anyway. First, it was cgh and 730 days. then, it was the fact that i wasn't spared from that place on saturdays either. that was followed by the news of up and coming patho c.as in early august and september, which clash with our end-of-postings test. now, it's having the c.as moved to jan, which means we have to spend our precious 2week break in dec prepping for it. i have an immense dislike for the dean's office and their stupid policies and inefficiency..pple who make our life a shit unnecessarily. life is cruel, and yet not entirely unfair. i chose this path and i jolly well gotta do my best.

It's not all that bad, though. Have gotten to know some of my cg-mates better and it's fun gg around with them. some of the ops have been cool too..we saw an orchidectomy, which involves the removal of testes..as well as a circumcision..and some other stuff in the uro ot. I trembled so much the first time i drew blood..wonder what it will be like if I ever, one day, get to do surgery.

Can't believe i'm sick now. there's lianne's chocolate buffet party at fullerton tmr and i was intent on having a feast! not so sure about that now. blame it on the night duty on tues and party on wed. haha some of them hired a stripper for julie's party and i thot it was kinda funky till it actually happened. sher and i were so traumatized!! poor julie. it is quite sick..and i can't believe that's the best thing pple can come up with for their hen/stag party.

rush rush

2007-07-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

life is a mad rush..I'm rushing through the day, everyday.
I rush to cgh..rush to get out my stuff..rush around with the busy docs on ward rounds..
rush through lunch..rush through reading some bit of info i never knew before..
rush through whatever needs to be done so i can rush home,
rush through dinner..rush through feeding beanie..and rush through my bath.
Then i rush to cram more stuff in..and rush to wash up and sleep.

And I rush to fall asleep for fear of being zombified the next day.

After staring at 'rush' so many times, it's starting to look mis-spelt.
I feel so busy, and yet I don't feel like i'm achieving anything.
No time to meet up with friends who are equally busy..
No time to really call anyone or meet up proper for a good chat..
Everyone's soon going to forget that I even exist.

Ok, sulk, rushing off to bed now.

2007-07-01T00:41:00.000+08:00

Not blogging much now, but i just had to, cause of a lovely song. It's been a weekend of birthday parties..fish's ytd, cel's just this evening and shareen's tmr. not forgetting sab's coming up soon :)

so cel had ngak and his friend come down to play and they're soooooo so. good. I could have sat there the whole night just listening to them blissfully if not for the fact that it's not nice being anti-social at a party and that they do actually charge by the set.

Now, this song is jus stuck in my head..He sang it so beautifully :)

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Ok, this post is totally meaningless and brainless. hee.
gdnite dears..more updates tmr.

2007-06-25T21:47:00.000+08:00

I'm in such a bad mood now..Super tired and cranky.
Which stupid fucker scheduled classes at school in the afternoons after ward work in the morning deserves to eat shit and die. It takes fucking long to travel from home to cgh, then cgh to nus and still have enough fucking brains to attend 4 hours of classes. As if it weren't bad enough to do it every Monday, we're not even spared on Tuesdays. Not everybody gets nuh or sgh, and definitely not everyone has a car. It's stupid fucking cgh.

And i've got to be there at shit 730 tmr..Which means my poor dad has to fetch me there cos he insists it's too early to mrt all the way.

2007-06-21T00:36:00.000+08:00

Had a night out at New Asia Bar..
It's on the 71st floor of Swissotel and the view is really breathtaking.
I want a house with a view in future, complete with full-length windows. At the end of a long and tiring day, i think it'd be wonderful to come back and soak in the lights of the night. Therapeutic, relaxing and even romantic if there's a special someone to share it with.

2007-06-20T11:53:00.000+08:00

Happiness is...
Being surrounded by Daniel Wu posters while in the underpass;
Having my favourite playlist on Repeat mode;
Eating green tea pocky from cho
Waking at 10am everyday, without a worry in the world;
Scooping up a fantastic buy from tangs at a mere $4.50;
Seeing 2 rainbows after the rain.

If only happiness were that easy to find, and that easy to keep.

2007-06-16T00:47:00.000+08:00

I'm back from camp!
Pleased to have re-affirmed friendships and made new ones.
Most importantly, I now know that deciding not to be with nich was the best option for me . Since Monday, I've been feeling an aching feeling of sadness and loss. On recon. night though, I felt an intense sense of peace and calm which I've never experienced before. There were no more tears left in me, and there was no longer any inner struggle. I miss him, definitely, but there is now less reproach and self-doubt.

2007-06-13T00:24:00.000+08:00

Today, I saw somebody at the mrt station wearing his shirt and carrying his backpack. And i really sillily thought for a moment that it was him. Until he turned around and suddenly it was like a bolt from the blue and it was back to reality for me.

First day of camp was quite fun. The juniors are full of shit and that's good enough therapy for me i think. Playing tmr night for pnw..It's a different experience everytime. I hope it goes well and our music warms even the coldest of hearts.

i'm excited. Going for a free drum lesson with az next week. I've always wanted to try the drums..and the best thing is..IT'S FREE! :)

sweet goodbye

2007-06-11T22:41:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I used up my last see you tomorrow.

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And you're left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made.

2007-06-07T23:50:00.000+08:00

It feels weird, it's like counting down to your last breath. Day after day, you do more of each, hoping in vain to make up for the moments that will never be, the things that will never be done, the words unspoken.

See you tomorrow suddenly seems so much more precious, because there aren't many tomorrows left.

It's raining in the garden
It's raining in the fields
It's raining in the forest
As far as I can see

2007-06-04T21:58:00.000+08:00

3 days into the hols and it's been good :)
Started off with a bang (qing's bday party), followed by meeting up with sher and lianne for tea and cho's bday dinner. Today was letters from Iwo Jima day and i collected my new specs too! No more orange frames..Black is my new favourite.

Before the movie, Iwo Jima was a person (oops). Now, I know that it's the name of an island. It was about fierce fighting, tears, the loss of loved ones and blind loyalty to honour, glory and country. Our boys go through national service and laugh it off; I wish they never have to put their skills to use because war is such a terrible thing. It's one of those experiences which one cannot even begin to imagine until it really occurs.

Also watched Infamous last week. Went in not knowing what to expect, since we only caught it as Priceless was sold out :( I'm glad it was a good movie too. At the very least, it sparked some interest in reading Breakfast at Tiffany's and In Cold Blood. That shall be on my to-do list this hols. I haven't touched a novel in a long time! guilty guilty.

They say that falling in love is wonderful
It's wonderful, so they say.
And with the moon up above,
It's wonderful
It's wonderful, so they tell me.

2007-06-03T23:42:00.000+08:00

Hey girls..
I uploaded some pics. Share yours too!
The username's the same except tt there's a 7 behind.
I'm tired of re-arranging the photos! Not used to it.
Click away :)