I've come to realise that it's not healthy to conceal emotions too often. It's just a matter of time before things spill over and dirty the floor. It's tougher to clean up the mess rather than prevent it from occuring in the first place. So, I'm trying to change the way I deal with things, rather then let it all pile up and i'll become some crazy freak in the end. It's not being nice; it's being real. At other times, it's not being nice; it's being fake. Being nice and being fake are so hard to differentiate sometimes.

I've become more evil tempered of late. It makes me do and react to certain situations in a different way. I feel like i've become more confrontational..don't know if it's good or bad. I told this lady off on the train for letting her kids put their feet on the seats and kick the other passengers; and I told this dumb bimbo off at le senza for hogging the fitting room while she went out to get another babydoll in her size and even had the cheek to check out herself in front of the mirror outside for a frigging long time. All this while she had already gone in, tried on her dumb babydoll..and decided to be an idiot and chope the room in the most unglam of ways.

uh, i'm too tired to type anymore. i really like what i'm doing, but i'm so afraid of getting desensitized. Before i came in, i thought it was bad to call patients by their bed numbers and disease. Just today, we were telling each other 'eh, let's go clerk the breast'. It was only after it was said that we realised how bad it sounded. Each 'exciting' night call we hope for only means somebody else's misery. Last night, someone who was moved out of the icu because of a shortage of beds passed on; another who was only 35 succumbed to her cancer as well. It actually took all that to remind me that I'm not preparing jus for the routine chores and daily motions. Guess i'm jus all quite worn out from all the long hours to keep my ideals alive.