I am counting...

12 days down to the big one!

I've not felt so happy in a long while, thank you for the great company. And of course, the stars. They were so lovely tonight. It reminded me to blog, since this is my very own dustysky :) I saw orion's belt! When I least expected to.

Maybe today, I can say that I hate you nay ezs gnehc namwen and truly leave all this hate where it belongs. Right here in my blog, out of my heart and mind, before it consumes me. How could anyone ever hate and like at the same time, really.

it's christmas

I'm resigned to the fact that I can't change my parents, and my parents can't change. Last night, it was brought up that I should be more sensible, considerate and live for them. Post exams in Jan, I'm not allowed to climb Kinabalu, nor go to the kelong with my friends.

Why can't you be more normal? When I was your age I would never ask my mum if I could do all these dangerous things. It's the monsoon, do you know how dangerous the kelong is? Don't stress me with all these things.

It wasn't too long ago that I was forbidden from going diving, and I almost didn't get to go for the mission trip in June. In june, my friends told me that I needed to think about it properly and consider why I should or should not go. Because such an instance was bound to come up again. I didn't know how to think, or what to think. Then the diving trip came. And now this. It's not just these few things. It's been like that my whole life. After everything, I've arrived at a few aspects I should probably consider in making certain decisions.

1. My parents are concerned about me, I know that.
2. Do I really have to go for this? Will it make me so infinitely upset if I don't?
3. Is the point that they are making valid? Is there truly reason for them to object?
4. Do I expect them to pay for something they don't want me to do?
5. When is it reasonable for me to disobey them?
6. Is it reasonable for them to expect me to always live my life in consideration for their feelings?
7. When is it the right time for me to do what I want, when I want to? Is it a certain age that would give me the right for self-declared liberation, or is it a time of financial independence, or is it when I am married, or is it when they are no longer around to tell me what I can or cannot do?

And yet, these don't help me much.

I do not like to quarrel; it makes me tired and it makes everybody unhappy. I will say sorry in any situation, even if it isn't my fault. I just do not desire to fight. That applies in every situation in my daily life. But there are those moments when I really feel the need speak my mind, and last night was just one of them. I gave up halfway, because I simply feel resigned. I can't do what I want to. Even when i'm 30 and still want to go diving, I won't be able to because my parents say no. When I'm bloody 30 I tell you! THIRTY. THIRTY.

It's been said that we can't offer what we do not have. I can't love you because I don't feel loved. You might love me, but it doesn't show. Providing me with my needs is great, but that's not only what I need. I want to be able to talk to you, tell you what I think, have my own space, and know that you can respect what I'm telling you. You don't have to agree with what I say, you just need to listen and understand and tell me what you think about it.

It isn't about you refusing to let me do certain things. The basic aspect of communication is sorely lacking, and that really upsets me.

I'm sorry, but right now, I can only fulfill my basic obligations as a daughter. That's just the way I see things now. I will fulfill my duties, but no more. I cannot be loving, not only because I can't, but also because I do not wish to.