crying bucketfuls will give you headache, so please don't try.

Today was out of this world. I broke up with n last night and awoke to find out that my friend has passed away. I don't know if it was the fucking stress of med sch/rships/family/money/xxx but I do remember the same sick 'are you kidding' kind of feeling when it happened to my ogl in jc. It was also today that he told me that he forgives me for everything, forgives me for liking another, and tells me to forget everything and leave behind my guilt. He will even go back to church, not just for me but as a start to sth he shld have done long ago. All he wants is for me to promise that i'll try to stop liking the other him.

I don't deserve any of this kindness. He even said that I'm god's gift to him. I think I'm a demon in disguise.

And bo, I will miss you. Much.

I caught my very first b.u.t.s last nite. That has sth to do with ballet and a starry night. Remember how they used to make announcements about ticket sales in sec sch but I never bought one. It was nice, the whole idea is. a casual picnic, dance and friends. Want to go watch the nutcracker in dec!

My butt is sore from cycling. I dun like cycling for 2 hrs. The next time we do, I should bring along butt cushions.

I'm reading about photosynthesis and the calvin cycle. I'm starting to doubt my ability to teach my kid. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea afterall! :P

Patho has been a packed week of lectures and meeting n. we went out almost everyday. S thinks that i need to make up my mind quickly before i regress into living in my own land again. I feel so guilty looking at him, knowing that I'm keeping sth from him.

the days have been agonising.. I'm not even hoping for you to talk to me anymore. Even a simple hi or a smile will do. Because right now, there's absolutely nth. ZERO.

I am so not looking forward to spending the entire day in ot with you. It could be better than I think though. I guess. You probably will not even bother to small talk with me. And we can just watch the operations in dead silence. I refuse to cry over you anymore. It hurts like mad giving one-word answers, knowing that your questions are asked out of absolute necessity. And it also hurts like mad now that you're so cold.

And nic. I've been talking to sher about him many times now. I've never felt like such a rotten person in my entire life.

I really lost it today.
I don't understand. If you aren't angry, and you really mean for us to be friends, why do you continue being so unfriendly? The apology on Monday just doesn't seem to be. I thought that things would get better after that, but apparently not.

Can I please get eaten by a shark so that I don't have to feel so upset again?



And there is still my unresolved issue with ni. talking to sher today made me feel more certain about what i want, and what i need to do. I just wish i could be more certain, and that i knew how.

don't know how much longer i can hold out! I'm close to bursting.
haha, sigh. that just sounds like a very full bladder.
For the first time ever, I wish that i didn't have to see you everyday.

right now, I really resent all this, I resent you.