By the way, in case you're wondering what a teratoma (mentioned in my reply to ded) is, it's some sick shit that develops in the ovaries. It gives rise to hair, or maybe even teeth in the ovaries. Gross.

Hmm..it's hard to be happy when there's nth in life except studying and coming home to family. Studying in sch is quite fun sometimes..talking nonsense and having a study buddy. But that's only the rare, in-between moments of happiness. Coming home is supposed to be relaxing and warm and homely. I think I have a house, but I'm not too sure about the home bit. Sometimes, I wished for a different family. It sounds so terrible but nobody really understands how I feel living with someone like Mum (except cho). Nobody can understand. I'm really so pissed off sometimes and I'm so afraid I will not want to take care of my mum when she's old. I want to love my mum and tell her my secrets and spend the day out with her, but it's just impossible right now. And possibly forever. I don't want a mum whom I can't carry out any kind of conversation with, who gets impatient ever so easily and is always spoiling the mood. I need someone who can rationalise, think and behave appropriately. I don't know how to describe mum. Feelings can't always be put into words. Especially not with my limited vocabulary.

Anyway, it's 3 days to the patho exam. Last day of full day mugging in sch tmr. Looking forward to after it when I can move on with other aspects of my life, meet up with friends and do my cofm writeup.

It wasn't totally bad.
Carolling and going for ded's church service was nice.
And so were the preparations for Christmas.
I'm just tired, stressed and sad that I can't have my holidays.
That people are going overseas or meeting up with friends or just relaxing at home. And I gotta study and study and still fail in the end.

It sounds so loserish. (haha, erps).

I'm TERRIFIED of the patho test next week.
I CAN'T fail again.
It's just the sick feeling a test induces.

I know I've been failing many tests, and this last month has just sapped away the last bit of my confidence, if any is left. I'm so scared of going for another test. I was SUPER super shittily scared when I went for the e.med test last saturday.

I'M SO TIRED OF GOING FOR POSTINGS AND STUDYING FOR END OF POSTING TESTS PLUS STUDYING FOR C.As in between.

I HAVEN'T HAD A BREAK SINCE SURG POSTING SO CAN I PLEASE HAVE ONE SOON???
i'm being robbed of christmas and new year and everything. CAN I PLEASE GO OUT AND FUN AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT AN UPCOMING TEST?

I don't need a DAY off or the weekend off. I just want a whole week to myself.
There seems to be no end to ANYTHING. After the patho test is the cofm project, chinese new year and THE PROS. after the pros will be psych med and ortho. yay to the break in june.

JUNE??!!!!
I'm really going mad.

So the mad rush to cover systemic patho in 2 weeks has started!! But somehow, i dun feel that miserable studying. Patho is actually interesting :) It's just that i failed the internal med test and more recently, the pharmaco c.a so poor me has taken a beating and i'm rather afraid of failing the next one.

On a happier note, i went to union sq for salsa with newman last nite! kinda exciting cos it was a last min decision. I could barely rem the basic steps he taught me while we were doing night shifts at sgh e.med, but i couldn't be bothered abt embarrassing myself last nite. heh. No familiar faces in sight so that was fine. can't wait to start classes in jan!

didn't get much studying done today. there was the christmas party. Gg to sch to mug tmr..Can't help feeling happy now that there's christmas coming up, despite the patho c.a looming ahead.

Silver bells, silver bells
It's Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring
Soon it will be Christmas day

The bad thing about papers in the afternoon is that I always slack off the day before. Like now! one day to the pharmaco paper and i took a nap, indulged in some me-and-my-piano time, and just basically have been crawling along the topics. Hope this is over so that I can start on e-med and patho soon!

Ambulance run last week was fun, can't wait for the next one this thursday night! It's so exciting, and the fact that it doesn't give me motion sickness just makes it better. Firsthand experience + nice paramedic = great learning experience. Qiantai did cpr last week! That was just days after our bcls course! (though we're supposedly certified in performing cpr after our first aid course in year 1). Unfortunately, the uncle didn't make it. This time, we stayed on to see them transfer him to auto cpr, attempt resus for almost an hour, before certifying him dead after a series of asystoles. It just really hits you when they stop the auto cpr and decide to stop trying. It's like, shit, this guy just collapsed while he was out there having a walk alone. And he just died, without saying goodbye. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. I wouldn't want to die like that.

E-med is an eye-opening experience; it shows the ambulance run and triage before patients are admitted, and it shows the end, if patients do not pull through. It completes my learning cycle, of seeing and talking to patients. Want to start reading up more!

For now, it's back to pharmaco. :/
Then it's catch-up-with-carol time after pharmaco :)